Holistic Honnies Blog: From Shitty To Shiny

How I went from shitty to shiny with spiritualism

www.holistichonnies.com

Ok so this is my first ever blog post and I wanted to start with something meaningful to me. My story from how I went from shitty to shiny. This may draw up some emotional shit for me as I write it so I may just grab some tissues, as a snotty tear filled keyboard isn't cool. Don't worry ... .... this story does have a happy ending ;)

So ... ... I was 6 months pregnant with my 3rd baby but life wasn't feeling too rosy, in fact, its was pretty fucking shitty. Myself and my partner were fighting all the time, it didn't seem to matter how much effort we both made we would still end up in a big row, spouting nasty words to each other which we couldn't take back. My mood was low and getting lower each and every day. We both made the decision that we had to end our relationship if we wanted to remain friends things had to change and breaking up seemed like the only option.

I was heart broken. He was my soul mate and my best friend, we had been through so much together, but I knew I had to let him go or I would loose him forever. As much as I wanted to hold onto him I knew we would just keep hurting each other so I had to let go.

But sadly things didn't get any better even after we separated. We still continued to fight about everything, we kept in regular contact due to the kids, but even the basic of communication would end up in a whirl of spiteful and nasty words. He would verbally attack me and I would verbally attack him, in some form of weird self-destructive torture kind of way. My mood was even lower, the lowest I think it had even been.

I cried constantly. I used to have to go and hide in the bathroom desperately trying to compose myself so that my 2-year-old daughter didn't see me cry .... but she did! Sometimes the tears would come without any notice and I had no control over them. Having my daughter wrap her arms around me and ask why I was crying was such a soul destroying thing to happen. I was her mother ... ... ... I was meant to wipe her tears away ... ... ... I was meant to be her hero not this emotional mess of a so called human being!

3 months went by like this, I was suffering from insomnia, I was depressed, I would burst into tears at any point and spent most of the nights crying and trying to fight away the evil dark and hideous thoughts which run through my mind. I tried to act normal to my friends and family and so many of them said how well I was coping ... ... ... Oh, if only they knew the war I was fighting with myself every second of the day. I was dying inside.

Then .... ... ... I went into labour ... ... ... suddenly I felt emotions which I had forgotten were possible. I was excited, happy and filled with joy. It seemed so long ago when I last felt these types of emotions. It was nice :) My labour was pretty dam amazing too. My dad JUST managed to get me to the hospital in time. I think we were there about 10 minutes before my beautiful baby girl entered the world. I didn't even have the chance to take my underwear off and the midwife had to rip them off me like some crazy mad women just to get to the baby. Very amusing I must say.

But this joy was short lived, not long after we got home from the hospital I was faced with being alone again, this time with a newborn baby to care for. I was so scared. What if I couldn't cope? What if my new baby didn't sleep well? How would I look after my other children if I was up all night with the baby? How will I manage all my housework? Shopping? Looking after my dog?

Turned out none of these issues were in fact issues. Baby girl slept through the night from our first day home ... ... ... ah, bliss ... ... .. I seemed to go on autopilot mode during the day and my housework was always done, my other children were cared for ... even my big ass smelly dog had plenty of love and attention. To the outside world I looked like I was holding my shit down, I looked like super fucking mum!

But the internal turmoil and battle with my constant feeling of grief and sadness was still very much there. Ok so I now didn't cry during the day but my nights were filled with tears and anguish. I hated myself. I hated myself for still feeling so sad, I hated myself for not being able to snap out of this depression, I hated myself for crying, I hated myself for failing. I hated myself for not knowing how to help myself.

Another 4 months passed feeling this way, but then things started to shift in me. I no longer had any contact with my ex. He moved abroad and had no contact with the kids or myself. As much as this hurt knowing my kiddies no longer had their dad around, it helped me to start to heal. I had finally mastered meditation, after about 6 long ass months of trying to nail it. It's not easy to master at all. How on earth some people can meditate for hours and hours and hours is beyond me. But I was now able to get myself into a deep meditation for about an hour, which I did daily.

This seemed to open something up inside me, it changed how I saw the world, my past, my present and my future. I was able to think about my past situation and see all the things I had done wrong in the relationship, I was able to see how I relied on my ex-partner as my emotional crutch, I had forgotten how to make myself happy and expected him to be the master of my emotions, and how difficult this must have been for him. I was taking responsibility for my own failing and mistakes which allowed me to move on.

Suddenly ... ... ... I realized ... ... ... I hadn't cried for about 3 weeks!!! I hadn't felt depressed, I hadn't felt guilt or grief or wanting to put my head through a window lol I noticed I hadn't thought about my past or future in a negative way or worrying about what might happen! What on earth was going on with me? Where had this shift come from? What was causing it?

I started to notice blogs and articles and post all about spiritual awakening .. ... ... everywhere I turned I would see something about spiritual awakening or 'the higher self'. At first I paid no attention to this as I had no idea what it was about, but then it got to the point I could escape from it .... ... ... it was stalking me!! So I decided to read a blog post which was named something like "10 signs your experiencing a spiritual awakening".

BOOM!

There it was ... ... 10 whole paragraphs explaining in accurate detail what I was currently experiencing. It all resonated with me massively. It was as if the article was written just for me. This left me feeling amazed but also confused. So I started reading more, and more and more .. ... .. I think I must have read every spiritual article on the internet. Then I turned to YouTube and watched video after video. Then books .... oh the amount of book I purchased and read was outstanding ... still is lol. All the information I was absorbing was like someone was writing it all just for me to read. I noticed myself changing, understand my past, present and future.

SYNCHRONICITY!

I soon realised that my daily meditation had awakened my spirituality and I was connecting with my higher self. I was living in the present moment and being mindful on a daily basis. My research and self study into spirituality had allowed me to grow, awakened and was on my way to becoming a better person, I was following my passion and soul purpose. I knew I had to share my knowledge with others, people who were feeling like I did needed to learn how to get their happy back, like I did. And that's when I chose to set up Holistic Honnies.

My Happy Ending!!

We’re now 3 years down the road. I can't remember the last time I had a 'bad day'. I can't remember the last time I felt sadness or cried due to my own circumstances. I cry a lot more about happy things, though. I have a constant happy vibe inside me and I'm a positive little thing :) My spiritual journey is far from complete, I'm growing every day and I crave more information on spiritual growth. My life feels perfect. I don't care how soppy that sound or if it sounds a bit like a Disney movie, but it's true. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Chances are you are reading this blog for a reason! Something brought you to this page and made you read it right till the end! It's called synchronicity! No one has to suffer their dark times alone and if you, like me don't want to 'bother' your friends and family with your issues then seeking outside help in the form of a counsellor or mentor can really help. Please don't suffer alone. The universe believes you are an amazing being, even if you don't currently feel like it. Ask for help, reach out and believe that tomorrow will be a brighter day! Love and light to you all, Lisajane xx